DBT DIME Game Can Help Address People-Pleasing

Folks-pleasing is pretty widespread: 49 percent of Americans (and 56 percent of women) self-identify as people-pleasers, in line with an August 2022 ballot by YouGov. And whereas this conduct comes off as simply being “good,” it could additionally lead to difficulties in setting boundaries, burnout, or a lack of sense of self. (So…nothing good, actually.)

“Consider [the DIME game] because the trusty compass that helps you navigate the usually turbulent waters of expressing your wants with readability.” —Ella Laniado, LMSW, LSW

Many various remedy modalities might help shoppers overcome people-pleasing and the underlying emotional points related to the conduct, together with Dialectical Behavioral Remedy (DBT). This type of discuss remedy is supposed to assist individuals be taught how to manage and regulate intense emotions. Whereas DBT was created particularly to help people with borderline personality disorder, lots of the expertise used inside DBT remedy plans could be tailored for on a regular basis conditions—resembling people-pleasing. Enter the DIME recreation: A DBT talent that permits you to ask for what you need, and confidently say no to what you may’t tackle.

By asking a collection of sure or no questions, the DIME (Describe, Inquire, Make a Request, and Categorical your self) recreation gives you with direct, actionable recommendation on how one can deal with interpersonal battle. The sport is not going to solely let you know whether or not to ask for (or decline) a request, however it is going to additionally recommend a stage of assertiveness to make use of whereas asking for what you need. And for people-pleasers, this recreation could be, properly, a game-changer for setting boundaries.

What’s the DIME recreation?

The DIME recreation is a DBT approach designed that can assist you establish what you need out of a specific battle or request, so you may method the dialog extra confidently and assertively. Ella Laniado, LMSW, LSW, a licensed social employee who focuses on anxiousness and OCD remedy, describes the DIME recreation as “a structured information for approaching confrontations. Consider it because the trusty compass that helps you navigate the usually turbulent waters of expressing your wants with readability.”

The approach is currently making waves on social media due to its capacity to rapidly and decisively come to a conclusion on whether or not, and the way assertively, you must ask for one thing or decline somebody’s request. This will turn out to be useful in socially sticky conditions, like asking somebody to borrow cash or for a good friend to maintain you once you’re sick.

The sport begins with two easy questions: “Do I ask?” and “Do I say no?”.

In case you are trying to ask for one thing, the quiz asks you a collection of 10 sure or no questions:

• Functionality: Is that this particular person in a position to give or do what I would like?
• Priorities: Is getting my goal extra vital than my relationship with this particular person?
• Self-Respect: Will asking assist me really feel competent and self-respecting?
• Rights: Is the particular person required by regulation or ethical code to do or give me what I would like?
• Authority: Am I liable for telling the particular person what to do?
• Relationship: Is what I would like applicable for this relationship? (Is it proper to ask for what I would like?)
• Targets: Is asking vital to a long-term aim?
• Give and Take: Do I give as a lot as I get with this particular person?
• Homework: Do I do know what I would like and have the info I have to help my request?
• Timing: Is that this a great time to ask? (Is the particular person in the proper temper?)

In case you are trying to decline somebody’s request, the quiz asks you a similar collection of sure or no questions, however with you being the particular person being requested (as an alternative of the particular person doing the asking).

The algorithm will then tally the variety of sure and no responses to let you know whether or not you must ask (or decline), and the way assertively you must ask (or decline). You would possibly get a solution like, “Say you’d reasonably not, however do it gracefully,” for a state of affairs like serving to your good friend transfer. In case you’re questioning whether or not to ask your boss for a increase, you would possibly get a solution like “Ask firmly; insist; negotiate; maintain attempting.” Ideally, it will can help you talk your request or refusal in a approach that’s clear, wholesome, and decisive.

In case you’re thinking about attempting the DIME recreation your self, right here’s a great (free) website that permits you to undergo the questions.

Why is the DIME recreation efficient?

Let’s be clear: The DIME recreation is not in any respect the identical as receiving full DBT remedy. However enjoying the DIME recreation might help foster among the expertise which can be harnessed in DBT periods. In line with Laniado, the DIME recreation could be useful in creating wholesome communication, regulating feelings, and growing shoppers’ tolerance for misery. She additionally means that the DIME recreation can present “a roadmap for sustaining self-respect” whereas navigating battle.

Laniado credit the sport’s success to the truth that it’s relevant to almost all conflicts, at almost all ages. “I’ve performed this recreation with kids navigating the complexities of peer dynamics, lecturers, or mother and father,” she says, “and I’ve seamlessly built-in it into periods with adults grappling with confrontations of their private {and professional} lives.” In different phrases, the DIME recreation is normally related and useful to Laniado’s shoppers, no matter their age or social state of affairs.

It is because the questions are broad sufficient to be broadly helpful, however particular sufficient to ship outcomes. “By answering sure or no to particular questions,” says Colette Sachs, LMSW, affiliate therapist at Manhattan Wellness, “shoppers can develop consciousness of their boundaries and observe expressing their wants in a managed setting earlier than going through related conditions in actual life.” In case you’re a people-pleaser, this observe is essential to serving to you perceive what you need or want earlier than you face the emotional stress of another person’s wants or points. No matter whether or not you’re asking for a promotion at work, declining a good friend’s plans, or navigating a breakup, the DIME recreation cannot solely present readability on what precisely you need out of a tricky dialog, however how to current this inside the dialog.

“By answering sure or no to particular questions, shoppers can develop consciousness of their boundaries and observe expressing their wants in a managed setting earlier than going through related conditions in actual life.” —Colette Sachs, LMSW

Laniado additionally mentions that the DIME recreation has helped her shoppers to explain conditions objectively, be interested in one other particular person’s perspective, and be clear and assertive when making requests. This may be extremely useful in case you’re a people-pleaser and thus battle to see previous one other particular person’s wants or feelings. By the method of the DIME recreation, you may actively be taught to examine the info whereas nonetheless being respectful of others’ time and capability.

As talked about earlier, the DIME recreation can be designed so that you can perceive, then talk, your wants clearly and successfully. This talent could be significantly tough for people-pleasers. “A people-pleaser will usually chronically override their wants with the intention to meet others’ calls for,” Carla Marie Manly, PhD, previously told Well+Good, usually on account of a want to keep away from battle or obtain validation.

Recall the sooner instance in regards to the good friend asking for assist with their transfer. A people-pleaser would possibly robotically say “sure” to that ask with out pondering by way of what they really need or have time for. Having a framework just like the DIME recreation, which provides you an opportunity to examine in with your self, might help you chop by way of the noise of what others wish to get on the coronary heart of what you need or want. You would possibly notice, for instance, that whereas it’s actually legitimate of your good friend to ask you to assist them with their transfer, they haven’t supplied any related assist for you lately—and that in the long term, you gained’t remorse not serving to them this one time.

When ought to I not use the DIME recreation?

It’s clear that the DIME recreation is a helpful, broadly relevant software for navigating battle. However in case you’re experiencing psychological well being or relational challenges that span past on a regular basis people-pleasing, don’t simply depend on the DIME recreation: Discuss to your physician or a psychological well being skilled for extra assist and help. That is additionally true of abusive relationships—if you’re a present survivor of intimate companion violence or emotional abuse, speaking to a psychological well being skilled is a a lot safer, simpler method than utilizing the DIME recreation by yourself.

What are another remedy expertise that may assist with people-pleasing?

In case you’re trying to achieve remedy expertise which can be much like the DIME recreation, Sachs recommends contemplating the next (or asking your therapist for assist attempting these methods):

• Position-playing situations: That is much like the DIME recreation, however as an alternative of the sport, it entails rehearsing for social interactions that will lead to battle or anxiousness.
• Mindfulness and self-compassion: These practices carry consciousness to your individual wants and can help you categorical extra kindness in the direction of them.
• Communication expertise coaching: This entails studying and training modes of communication that may enhance assertiveness.

Sachs notes that these specific workouts can construct on people’ strengths to empower boundary setting and expressing wants—all very important expertise that may assist to cease (or gradual) people-pleasing in its tracks. With time and observe, you will be saying no (and that means it!) with confidence.