How To Tell if Someone Is Playing the Victim and Respond



Have you ever talked to somebody who appears to suppose the world is in opposition to them? Regardless of the scenario, if there’s a destructive end result for them, they all the time declare it’s another person’s fault. Perhaps you’re feeling such as you’re operating out of recommendation to offer them due to their seemingly countless misfortunes. Figuring out how one can establish when somebody is definitely getting the brief finish of the stick versus enjoying the sufferer and how one can cease this conduct in its tracks is important for safeguarding your well-being.

Because it seems, those that play the sufferer are sometimes in search of sympathy or consideration within the individuals whom they topic to their sufferer mentality. In any case, you’re in all probability extra seemingly to assist somebody out for those who suppose they’re dealing with a relentless onslaught of unhealthy luck… however for these enjoying the sufferer, the key phrase is enjoying. That means, they’re not actually a sufferer in all of the circumstances they bemoan. Reasonably, they’re downplaying their very own function in contributing to these poor outcomes.

Specialists In This Article

Beneath, specialists break down what it actually means to play the sufferer, why individuals do it, how one can spot this conduct in motion, and how one can cope with it—each in others and in your self.

What does it imply to play the sufferer?

Taking part in the sufferer just about means what it feels like. “People who find themselves known as ‘enjoying the sufferer’ really feel that individuals and circumstances are in opposition to them, out to get them, or that they’re unfortunate,” says medical psychologist Monica Vermani, CPsych, who makes a speciality of trauma, abuse, and relationships. “Knowingly or unknowingly, they repeat patterns the place they relinquish their energy and company; enable themselves to be dominated, directed, and guided by others; and blame others when issues don’t work out as they’d have most well-liked.”

“Knowingly or unknowingly, [people who play the victim] repeat patterns the place they relinquish their energy and company…and blame others when issues don’t work out as they’d have most well-liked.” —Monica Vermani, CPsych, medical psychologist

That is the one who is consistently wrapped up in pal drama however claiming they by no means have any function in beginning or perpetuating it; or the one who loves complaining about their job, relationship, or different life circumstances however gained’t do something to alter the scenario.

Why would somebody play the sufferer?

Taking part in the sufferer is “usually executed for sympathy, consideration, or to keep away from duty,” says neuropsychologist Sanam Hafeez, PsyD. This individual might want assist or an avoidance of accountability, she provides, in order that they play sufferer both consciously or unconsciously.

Paradoxically, enjoying the sufferer may assist somebody really feel empowered. “It may give the phantasm of being in management,” says Dr. Vermani. In any case, they’re spinning a selected narrative to persuade others (and maybe themselves) that life is simply being unfair to them, thus briefly absolving them from emotions of guilt or disgrace round their unlucky circumstances. However in actuality, “the unwillingness or resistance to enjoying an lively function of their life decisions and actions is a serious supply of their resentment, lack of company, and lack of self-determination,” she says.

To make certain, somebody who’s enjoying the sufferer will not be genuinely the sufferer of a destructive scenario; the truth is, people who find themselves truly responding to trauma usually distort the expertise and blame themselves in an effort not to be seen as victims. “Taking part in the sufferer is a technique of manipulation so as to get one’s wants met,” says trauma-informed relationship therapist Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, podcaster, researcher, and co-author of What I Wish I Knew. She provides that people who play the sufferer usually battle to self-empower in different methods.

How are you going to inform if somebody is enjoying the sufferer?

You’ll discover completely different behaviors in somebody who’s enjoying the sufferer versus somebody who’s truly a sufferer. When individuals play sufferer, Dr. Hafeez says, they shift the blame, refuse to take accountability, have interaction in manipulative conduct, and self-sabotage. Whereas with precise victimhood, she says, there’s extra real trauma and a lack of management.

Beneath, you’ll discover 11 widespread indicators from the specialists that somebody is enjoying the sufferer.

1. They’ve a destructive idea of self

An individual who performs sufferer will usually bad-mouth themselves or go on and on about how a lot they despise who they’re. And the psychological thought processes underscoring this dialogue can flip cyclical, too: Damaging self-talk can result in self-sabotage and low vanity, says Dr. Kelley, creating extra causes for, effectively, destructive self-talk.

2. They shift blame onto others for all poor outcomes

As an alternative of seeing failures or conflicts as alternatives for private development, somebody with a sufferer mentality will keep away from acknowledging them solely, says Dr. Kelley, by passing blame or duties onto others—even after they had a transparent and important function within the scenario.

Reasonably than take accountability for their very own actions, says Dr. Hafeez, they may make excuses, deflect criticism, deny wrongdoing, or in any other case painting themselves as a helpless sufferer of circumstance. Typically, this will even go as far as to show into gaslighting, the place they lead others to query their very own actuality or recollection of an occasion in a approach that serves their sufferer narrative.

3. They battle to take care of secure relationships

Due to their need to be seen because the martyr in each circumstance, an individual enjoying the sufferer is usually codependent on companions or associates, says Dr. Kelley, counting on their fixed approval to really feel okay within the relationship. This could flip right into a repeating sample in almost each relationship they’ve, as they lack perception into their function within the problem.

4. They exaggerate hardships

If an individual usually dramatizes their destructive experiences, that may be one other signal that they’re enjoying the sufferer, says Dr. Hafeez. They spin these grand tales to garner further sympathy, consideration, and validation, she explains. Even (and maybe particularly) when the scenario doesn’t warrant such a sympathetic response, they’ll dial up their struggles so as to get an increase out of others.

5. They manipulate others’ feelings

Talking of getting an increase out of individuals… An individual who performs the sufferer will purposefully faucet into others’ sense of empathy or sympathy and even guilt-trip them into pondering they induced the faux-victim’s misfortunes, says Dr. Hafeez. It’s all a method to “management or affect the conduct of these round them, usually to their very own benefit,” she says.

Alongside enjoying the sufferer, signs of manipulation embody isolating somebody, pressuring them to make choices urgently, gaslighting them, and utilizing passive-aggressive conduct.

6. They depict themselves as powerless

Individuals who play the sufferer usually act passively or painting themselves as being on the mercy of others, says Dr. Vermani. Additional, she says, they don’t work towards altering or enhancing their destructive scenario, lest it turn out to be apparent that they really aren’t simply the sufferer of their circumstances and might affect their very own lot in life.

7. They battle with their psychological well being

Psychological well being points might be each a trigger and an impact of continually enjoying the sufferer. Dr. Vermani says individuals with a sufferer mentality are inclined to exhibit low vanity; battle with assertiveness and communication; and expertise signs of low temper, excessive stress, and nervousness.

8. They react defensively to criticism

If you happen to attempt to make ideas to this individual about how they could enhance their circumstances themselves or be aware how they is likely to be enjoying a task in their very own misfortune, they may seemingly leap to the protection. “They may defend their lack of motion and misread the efforts of those that attempt to assist them as an assault, on account of their low vanity,” Dr. Vermani explains.

9. They like validation over options

Compelled by their low vanity, Dr. Vermani says, these people usually pity themselves. In flip, they’d usually moderately hear validation from others of how unhealthy their scenario is, versus doubtlessly useful options or concepts for stopping such a destructive end result sooner or later. (The entire latter, in any case, would require responsibility-taking and work on their finish.)

10. They always evaluate themselves to others

Within the thoughts of somebody who performs the sufferer, there’s an countless loop of, “However everybody else has it higher than I do,” which is how they frequently validate their sense of victimization, says Dr. Vermani. If you happen to discover that somebody is consistently citing how others are a lot luckier or happier or extra profitable than they’re, that’s an indication they might be enjoying the sufferer.

11. They have interaction in dichotomous pondering

An individual who performs the sufferer tends to see conditions as all good or all unhealthy, with no in-between or grey space. Typically fueled by nervousness, such “black and white thinking” tends to bolster the sufferer mindset: As they view any small inconvenience or minor misfortune as a very unhealthy scenario, it helps their notion that they’re frequently and unfairly the sufferer.

What’s the psychology of people that play the sufferer?

The psychology behind enjoying the sufferer can stem from quite a lot of cognitive, emotional, and social elements, says Dr. Hafeez. On the cognitive entrance, enjoying the sufferer could be a cognitive distortion, or a biased perception somebody holds about themselves or the world round them that causes them to get caught in a destructive pondering sample. Dr. Hafeez offers the instance of the attribution error, the place individuals misattribute destructive outcomes solely to exterior elements, disregarding their very own contributions.

Others who play the sufferer could have skilled trauma that broke down their self-image or notion of their very own coping abilities, says Dr. Hafeez. Or, on the flip facet, they might have obtained some type of constructive profit from the sufferer conduct that incentivizes them to proceed it.

As famous above, psychological well being points also can issue into sufferer conduct. Needing fixed validation and assist from others, desirous to keep away from the discomfort of taking duty for destructive conditions, and coping with low vanity can all set off a sufferer mentality.

Certainly, Dr. Kelley says people who play the sufferer usually battle with insecurity, imposter syndrome, and/or an insecure attachment style. Taking part in the sufferer can be linked to rejection sensitive dysphoria (which is widespread in consideration deficit hyperactivity dysfunction), post-traumatic stress dysfunction, despair, and nervousness problems.

Past such temper problems, Dr. Vermani factors to dysfunctional households. “The sufferer persona is usually one thing that we purchase from our household of origin,” she says, noting how we mannequin our actions based mostly on the relationships we witness as youngsters. “We are able to study from members of the family that holding grudges; in search of validation for sufferer standing; being unwilling to forgive and neglect; and being harsh, essential, and judgmental whereas taking no duty is a suitable approach of interacting.”

Is enjoying the sufferer narcissism?

Narcissistic persons are susceptible to enjoying the sufferer (however each one that performs the sufferer isn’t essentially a narcissist). Among the many types of narcissists, the victim narcissist, specifically, makes use of the sufferer mentality to persuade these round them that others are always out to get them and that they’re 100-percent harmless, thus garnering assist and affection.

“By portraying themselves as victims, [narcissists] can deflect blame, keep away from accountability, and manipulate others for sympathy and validation,” says Dr. Hafeez. “This conduct reinforces their sense of entitlement and superiority whereas exploiting social dynamics to their benefit.”

“By portraying themselves as victims, [narcissists] can deflect blame, keep away from accountability, and manipulate others for sympathy and validation.” —Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, medical psychologist

The extra they depict themselves as a sufferer, the extra seemingly others are to stay by their facet and assist them, which can be extremely interesting to the narcissist who craves consideration, says Dr. Kelley. On this approach, the narcissist makes use of victimhood to reap the benefits of different individuals’s sympathy.

How do you cope with somebody who performs the sufferer?

Do a self check-in

Step one is acknowledging and taking inventory of the way you’re doing—with self-compassion. “Acknowledge the damaging results {that a} relationship with somebody with a ‘sufferer’ mentality has on you,” Dr. Vermani says.

This may seem like doing a physique scan meditation (or, bringing your consciousness to how completely different components of your physique really feel, or the place your emotions are exhibiting up in your physique) or just being sincere with your self in regards to the methods through which this individual’s conduct has induced you stress.

Set compassionate (however agency) boundaries

It’s vital to acknowledge that this individual’s experiences and emotions are legitimate for them, and on the identical time, their actions are harming or depleting you, says Dr. Kelley. (Two issues might be true directly.) Provided that all of us have restricted sources, you could have to set boundaries across the time and vitality you’re devoting to this individual, so you’ll be able to preserve your sources on your personal duties and well-being.

Which may seem like speaking that you just’ll solely be obtainable for assist throughout sure timeframes or in regard to explicit subjects and in any other case suggesting that they communicate with a psychological well being skilled, says Dr. Kelley. You can even set boundaries round the way you have interaction with them: Maybe you refuse to interact in enabling behaviors or in providing extreme sympathy, says Dr. Hafeez, so as to keep away from reinforcing their sufferer mentality.

Keep goal

After listening to their emotional retelling of sure misfortunes or destructive occasions, it might be arduous to not fall into the lure they’ve set. However Dr. Hafeez encourages you to strive. “Concentrate on details and actuality moderately than getting caught up of their exaggerated narratives,” she says.

Present empathy whereas additionally encouraging problem-solving

Providing compassion to an individual who feels as if they’re all the time the sufferer is vital. In any case, their conduct could stem from “deep-seated emotional ache or unresolved psychological points,” says Dr. Hafeez. That stated, it’s vital to be discerning about the way you present that assist and the way a lot of it you supply: Validating all of their tales or repeatedly rescuing them will simply additional reinforce and allow their sufferer mindset.

As an alternative, Dr. Hafeez recommends specializing in the feelings effervescent up for this individual, versus the flowery tales they’re telling. “Acknowledge their emotions whereas gently difficult distortions of their tales,” she suggests. You can even supply constructive suggestions and assist them find options to their issues. Even when they’re resistant at first, a mild nudge towards empowerment may help them start to develop self-awareness and keep away from perpetuating the victimhood cycle.

Keep perspective

If the victim-player is tossing blame in your path or suggesting that you’re the rationale for his or her misfortunes in any approach, it’s vital to maintain a agency grip in your actuality, and keep away from permitting your self to be guilt-tripped into taking over duty for his or her well-being, says Dr. Hafeez. “Keep in mind that their conduct will not be a mirrored image of your value or capabilities.”

Encompass your self with constructive individuals

Being round somebody who’s always enjoying the sufferer might be energetically and emotionally draining. Conversely, spending time with individuals who fill your cup can revitalize you. For that motive, Dr. Vermani says it’s all of the extra vital to encompass your self with constructive individuals everytime you’re coping with somebody who always has one thing to complain about.

One other vital factor to recollect: You’re all the time allowed to straight-up finish a relationship with the victim-player, if you’d like or have to.

Encourage skilled assist

Therapists obtain particular coaching and schooling in dealing with conditions like these (and so they receives a commission for it!). You’ll be able to present assist to each your self and the opposite individual by encouraging them to see knowledgeable, who can establish any underlying mental-health points which may be inflicting their sufferer conduct and assist them develop more healthy coping mechanisms, says Dr. Hafeez.

How do I cease enjoying sufferer?

If you happen to suppose that *you are* the one enjoying the sufferer, it is definitely attainable to work towards undoing this tendency with self-reflection and conduct change. Specialists define steps to take beneath.

Establish indicators of this conduct

Psychoeducation is essential. “Step one to remedy is consciousness,” says Dr. Vermani, urging individuals to be conscious of instances they have a tendency to play the sufferer. “Discover when you’re making the selection not to just accept duty or tackle the work of problem-solving, or blaming others.” Turning into extra self-aware may help you establish insecurities and fears so you’ll be able to tackle them successfully, too, Dr. Hafeez provides.

Be introspective

“If you happen to really feel like you might be all the time faultless and everyone seems to be all the time out to ‘get you,’ take a second for conscious introspection about your half within the dynamics in your personal life,” Dr. Kelley says.

“Remind your self of your inner locus of management.” —Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC, trauma-informed relationship therapist

Are there any modifications you could make to enhance your life indirectly? “Remind your self of your inner locus of management,” says Dr. Kelley, referring to the flexibility all of us should affect and make modifications to our personal actuality. “Ask your self, ‘If I did take duty for this case, relationship, problem—how may I attempt to affect it?’” she suggests. The solutions that come up can empower you to behave, moderately than merely claiming sufferer standing.

Reframe negatives as alternatives for development

Once you wind up in a destructive scenario and begin to blame others on your misfortune, contemplate the way you may reframe the unhealthy end result as motivation for development.

For instance, for those who discover that you just hold having the thought, “Nobody ever likes me,” you may modify it to, “I haven’t discovered my individuals but,” or “Perhaps I might profit from studying extra about how one can discover associates.” In any case, the purpose isn’t to evaluate your self (as judgment might be counterproductive); it’s to discover a resolution to an issue that doesn’t relaxation solely on exterior elements.

Construct your vanity

The extra assured you’re feeling in your self and your capabilities, the much less you’ll fall into the behavior of continually perceiving your self because the sufferer of your circumstances, says Dr. Hafeez. Some vanity boosters embody solely speaking to your self such as you’d discuss to a pal (You wouldn’t needlessly criticize a pal, proper?) and repeating affirming “I’m” mantras, like “I’m constructive,” “I’m cherished,” and “I’m variety” to your personal face within the mirror every morning and every evening earlier than mattress.

Remind your self of the implications of enjoying the sufferer

Taking motion to problem-solve your points or in any other case enhance your personal life may really feel undesirable, particularly after having fun with the illusory comforts that enjoying the sufferer can deliver. So, Dr. Vermani recommends reminding your self that while you don’t take motion and select in charge or disgrace others as a substitute, you’re additionally relinquishing your personal energy.

Set sensible objectives

Utterly altering your mindset and dropping a sufferer mentality that you just’ve clung to for a while can really feel daunting—so strive to not put an excessive amount of stress on your self. “Breaking free from the sample of enjoying the sufferer could be a transformative journey requiring self-reflection and dedication,” Dr. Hafeez says.

With that in thoughts, she encourages setting small objectives alongside the way in which and celebrating your progress while you hit them. For instance, perhaps by no means enjoying the sufferer once more is just too lofty a objective from the outset, however maybe you’ll be able to set a smaller objective round merely figuring out moments while you is likely to be enjoying the sufferer or catching your self in unproductive thought patterns and pausing to regulate.

Search assist from professionals and family members

Simply as you may counsel a pal who always performs the sufferer search psychological well being assist, you can even profit from working with a therapist to interrupt free from this unhelpful mentality and reconnect with your self, says Dr. Vermani.

Particularly, contemplate searching for a therapist who practices reality therapy, which is a type of cognitive behavioral remedy (CBT) centered on altering your conduct (as a result of that’s all you’ll be able to actually change) to get what you need.

Mates, household, and different family members might be further assist individuals as you undergo this course of (simply bear in mind they should deal with themselves, too). If you happen to inform them that you just’re trying to let go of this behavioral behavior, they may help you pinpoint when, precisely, you’re enjoying the sufferer and supply concepts for productive problem-solving (versus casting blame).

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